The Apple (...Of My First Year High School Life)

As days go by, I was learning to adapt to the new environment where I am in. Everyday was like having a brand new purpose even without the stuffs I was used to in my past school. I was looking forward to our P.E. class every afternoon. I really loved to see the girls who can do what boys do. So I was trying hard with all my might to perform better especially in P.E. where we can play tough just like the boys. It felt very empowering to me. That's why I admired "her" very much. She was even better than the boys. She was like a role model or an icon to remind me that I can do everything if I wanted to. Gender is not an obstacle in doing what you want in life. I loved watching every time she bested the guys in volleyball and most especially in basketball. It was so funny that she was even the referee of the boys who were playing basketball. Because of her, I spent most of my P.E. bench time, especially at basketball time =( , daydreaming that I wish I was doing what she was doing right now. She was so proactive and always on the move while I was moving slowly like a turtle, or better yet, a snail. I was imagining myself as lively as hers and outshining in the field of active sports.

However, I remembered how pissed off she was one time when our group played volleyball against their group. We were so nervous to face the strongest group in P.E. (because she was the leader of that particular group) and we are getting so jittery. You can obviously see it from our faces and the way we hit the ball back to their court. Me, as the supporting type of personality (trust me I am more of a team member than a team leader although I could also lead a group in a laissez faire manner though.), I came up of a word to lighten up the group. One of our groupmate tried to hit the ball and went outside of our court instead of batting it back to the opponent's court. I saw how disappointed she was and I told her "OK lang yan, suwerte yan...suwerte" (It's OK, that's good luck...good luck..). Everytime we hit a ball we mention "Suwerte!" even if it a good shot or a bad shot it is still considered "Suwerte" to us. Suddenly we didn't notice that we are starting to win and we were just enjoying ourselves there all along. I even had my first good service that time-- not a net ball, not an inadequate shot! It was just right! I felt so happy that time coz' finally, I've made it to the other line. After almost 2 years of playing volleyball (Grade 5 and Grade 6 extra in my friend's practice games), I was able to make a nice service and not just stopping the ball (where i am good at). Meanwhile, the other group, particularly their team captain was making faces and obviously pissed off, starting to get angry with her groupmates' lack of effort. I can't blame her if we had the good vibes. It's just that I knew right then and there, she wasn't perfect after all. She was short-tempered. I understand it anyway. She's just human. Her strengths has an equivalent weaknesses too. If she is an achiever type, expect it, she hates losing. ^_^ Don't worry, even if she was pissed off that time, she still looks pretty in my eyes. LOL. Yeah I just admired her that's it. The sporty petite and skinny girl who is so proactive and fun and smart too! She was always being herself and I salute her for that. Too bad that my admiration should end when she had a rumored girlfriend or M.U. Nobody confirmed but the class considered it as a mutual understanding between the two and I was happy for them. I was okay staring at her from afar and looking at her twinkling eyes paired with long and thick eyelashes, plus, I really liked her dimples. Gosh, I love people who have dimples and long thick eyelashes. It doesn't matter if you are a girl or a boy as long as you have those qualities I'll admire you for that. LOL. The whole school year, I think I never talked to her. There was just one instance that she talked to me, I don't remember why but I am sure what she said was a good comment. I was flattered that time and blushed...and that's it. =) (oh, so lame...hahaha)


**To Be Continued...

Pros and Cons (My 1st Year High School Life)

Being in a private school made me miss all the fun of being in a public school. Added to that, the strict rules on being a latecomer and excuses in special quizzes and exams, the fun of having Athletic Meet and Girls' Scout Camping every year,quiz bees outside the school, and many more extra curricular activities done outside the school, it made me long more for the good old days in my old Alma Mater. Sometimes I was spending free time thinking of what could have happened if I didn't enroll in that private school. Maybe I could have had more quality time "enjoying" my first year of high school life.

Anyway, if I had things that I didn't like in that school, there are also some things that I loved about it. I loved my Science and Algebra class. It gave me the right foundation of learning later on in my high school and college life. I loved how I wasn't treated as a foreigner in this school where they treated you like someone special for most of us came from different schools in Nueva Vizcaya (within the vicinity of Santa Fe and Aritao). Unlike before when I transferred from Baguio City to Santa Fe (see Something Different for the story), they labeled me as an American, and they always monitor each move that I do. This time, it was different. Almost all of the Valedictorians, Salutatorians, Honor Students were in that particular class where you would feel that everybody is in tight competition with each other. Competition, rumors, gossips, and worst: detraction. They would like to know your past and other issues to distract you from being competitive. And me? I DIDN'T CARE. I had an attitude before not to care on such things. I care about what could make me feel happy (like the extra curricular activities outside the school) and sleep. I just kept quiet. The more quiet you are, the more they cannot find anything about you. I would like to remain as a stranger if that's the cost of having a peaceful life.

To top all that, I loved my P.E. subject where we could play Volleyball and Basketball--in competition with the person who appeared to be the apple of my eye that time. She was the captain ball of the other group because she was the best player so far, both in volleyball and basketball. she was just so amazing that in her petite height and skinny body built, she could hit the ball so hard that it reaches outside the court in volleyball, or she can throw the ball from the 3-point line in the basketball court straight to the ring. She could lay-up the ball, which is her favorite thing to do in basketball, or drive in a hook shot which left my jaw dropping with awe. She never fail to amuse me everytime she is holding a ball for she can do lots of tricks out of it. I admire the most the way she let the ball turn on her different fingertips like a planet in the solar system then suddenly she would let it slide onto her left hand, going to her arms, passing through her back then gliding to her right arm and right hand. She was so talented I thought that I worshipped her at the back of my mind and wished I could do the same. I also admire the way she dribbles the ball back and forth in between her legs while she shifts her steps. She was really like the professional basketball players. I was so proud of her, she could do what men could do! She was an athlete in the school where she came from (which is also a public school). I remember, her name was so famous in every Provincial Athletic meets as the champion for track and field category. I've heard a lot about her from my friend who was the volleyball team captain in elementary. She would always mention her name which is unique (clue: the alphabet >.< ) as the best and most popular athlete in the province. This time, I finally get to meet her in person and take note, she's my classmate whom I see everyday of my first year high school life! =)




**To be continued... ^_^

The Beginning of My Teenage Life

Yes, High School at last!!! One step closer to college graduation and after that I am able and very qualified to work! ^_^

FIRST YEAR HIGH SCHOOL
I enrolled in a private school at the next village, a 30-minute ride away from our town. I needed to wake up early in the morning to prepare for school and catch up the early ride wherein we contacted a jeepney for fetching me and my older brother daily since school bus is not common in our place. The jeep usually picks us up at 6:30 AM and that is a holy hour for me for Christ's sake! I love to sleep and for me sleeping is a luxury. It can't be bought by money I tell you... =) So everyday of my new life was like a sacrifice. Sometimes I wake up at exactly 6:00 AM go straight to bathroom, take a bath and brush my teeth and go to school. My mom was always angry because I am not having my breakfast. She was so concerned of me eventually having gastric ulcer because of my empty stomach. Every morning my mom would wake me up but the more she was waking me up, the more I felt sleepy and would like to snooze more. Meanwhile in the jeepney, I continue my sleep. Thirty minutes is still 30 minutes! Time is so precious as well as sleep is also precious, I should spend it sleeping a little bit more.

Me being on time for the jeepney didn't last long. After a week or two, I started to go out of our house later than 6:30AM and of course, the jeep is gonna leave me there because I am not the only kid he's taking to school. He has his sons and daughters plus his nieces and nephews. It was pretty crowded and a riot every morning in that jeepney and I would always prefer to stay at the very back of the jeep so I could sleep and ignore their noises and their agenda for the day whatever it is, it is always turbulent. I have learned that if I leave the house at 7:00 AM I could still catch up my class but then at time goes by, I realized that it depends on the traffic and how many times the other jeepney would stop everytime the jeepney driver notices a passenger on the road or whenever there is a passenger who wants to go down. That made me so freakin' late one day. I arrived the school at exactly 7:35 AM and the flag ceremony has already started. After the morning school ritual of singing the national anthem, pledge of loyalty and some announcements, I was running for my life to get into my class' line going inside the classroom when suddenly this particular later than me classmate of mine arrived and told me not to run, stay easy and walk with her. At the back of my mind is "WTF??? #@$%*!!!" I think I've said a lot of negative thoughts within that split second and yet I still followed her and did not complained anything. I was such a wimp that I cannot say NO to anybody even if it is against my will. Except for my family of course where I would always complain on everything. Suddenly while walking, the third year's class adviser was there checking all the latecomers who are gonna pass and I saw everybody sneaking out of the line and one of them was my classmate. I was so ignorant that time that I didn't know what it means whenever this teacher is there on the pathway. He suddenly came to me. He knows I am clueless on what's gonna happen and I am a fresh victim of his wrath. "Late ka ano? Alam mo ba ang parusa ng mga late?" (You are late, right? Do you know the punishment of latecomers?) I was speechless, I replied with a shrug in the shoulders. I know it is gonna be tough and I have an idea what the punishment was although I am not sure if my thoughts were correct. We have a long quiz that day in Science, which is my favorite subject and I was feeling a sense of impending doom. This teacher caught around seven latecomers because when he came after the other late kids others who were with me ran away. I think it was only me who honestly stayed and waited for my punishment.

(NOTICE: IF YOU ARE EASILY NAUSEATED WITH GROSS/GRUESOME THINGS I ADVISE YOU TO STOP READING FROM HERE... >.<)


He introduced us to the corresponding "chastisement" for us to get forgiven with our "sin" since most of us caught were our first offense made. Second offense might mean a letter to the parent and third would be suspension. He gave us cleaning materials so we could clean the school grounds and to top it up, there were three of us who were assigned to clean the never-before-cleaned bathrooms in the school since the school year started. The very first sight and smell of the bathroom made my tummy tumble down and when we see the toilets itself, that was the time the two of my mates ran away and looked for a spot where they could throw up. I was there staring at the maggots and old poops maybe from last school year. Old tissue papers and some bloody sanitary pads from who the hell are they. I can't understand how can they afford to use this bathroom and do such gross things. The civilization doesn't reached them even if they are studying in a private school??? I just thought, yeah, the need to poop and pee is primal and you have no choice if you really need to do it. So even if I feel nauseous, I tried to fetch a lot of water through small gallons and tried to clean it with detergent soap and bleach. I started cleaning it alone, scrubbed it with a raffia broom until the  sickening sight of nasty stuffs out there be flushed away with water and detergent. My two cleaning mates, who were recovering from their nausea started helping by fetching the water and I was the one who did the direct job. The bleach and detergent did an amazing job because in the end, after the creepy rubbish were thrown away in their right place and the toilet bowls were absent of any evidence of rotten poop and blood, it became an acceptable place and deserved to be called as comfort room. I just thanked God that when I am stressed out I would usually go to our bathroom and clean it. Although this one is a different thing because it was the most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen. In addition to that, I admit I was really stressed out missing the long quiz that I have always waited for in Science. I love exams and long quizzes because it measures how far did I know about the subject. I just wished that the true to life learning experiences could also be measured by exams because for sure I would make my way to get a high grade in it if I was not the best. But it doesn't work that way. I really felt that I am weaker in the real world of action, because sometimes I lack actions. I'd rather write than to speak. I'd rather think than to act.

It's like I'd rather plan and design something and it is up to somebody else to do the job of creating it. Eventhough sometimes, if it artwork we are talking about, expect me to be doing it with all my heart as long as I am doing it alone. Not a group activity.  I hate it when somebody else bosses around as if he knew what is really the goal of the groupwork and then in the end everybody would realize that my idea was better. Furthermore, I hate it when there is an authority figure around who in true to life doesn't really have a right to control someone else's life (just like my classmate who pulled me to accompany her for the purpose of when worse things can get to worst she has someone to suffer with her, but in this case, I was the only one to suffer and she was there inside the classroom taking the exams!!!). That time, I've learned a very valuable lesson: I'd be better off alone than to get myself into trouble because I tried to gratify someone else's irrational request against my will. I should learn when to say no to a favor, which I am really struggling with (until now... sometimes I am really pissed off with my self for being too kind which is resulting to stupidity in someone else's view). If only I could flush my shyness to say NO just like what I did to the stinky creations of the primitive men of the school. Well at least at this moment, I contributed a huge favor to the school. The comfort room is now fully operational just like any decent school would have.

(HEY, YOU CAN READ BEYOND THIS POINT... IT IS SAFE NOW!!! =)  )

When I came to the classroom, they finished the exams already and my teacher told me that she is not going to give any special exams for me. My reason of absence from the exams is not valid for her to treat me as a special student, who needs a special exam. Why should I, I am not special. There's nothing special about me there in that school. I am just one of the low profile students there. They still did not know what I am capable of since the periodical exams is not yet done. The school year has just started and nobody knows who I really am. On the other hand, I loved the idea of me being a stranger, nobody knows my strengths, although they can see in my face what my weakness is-- I look kind and harmless. They could just do anything without expecting me to fight or do harmful revenge over them. Yeah, they're right. I leave everything to Karma. Let Karma do the work for me. I am too lazy to have revenge. I'd rather sleep than to do that. Hahaha. So what happened to the girl who brought me into this trouble? Nothing... I just don't know how Karma worked on her but I believe it worked. ^_^


*To be continued....
Please leave a comment on the topic that you think could have changed if I just did something brave...hahaha so lame...anyway it would be nice to discuss on something someday. =) THANK YOU!!!  XOX

My Elementary Graduation

This is the most awaited moment of my elementary life. My graduation from Grade 6. I think it was also one of my dad's reason why he came home and waited for a while before he apply back to Saudi. He wanted to see his favorite daughter to go up the stage, get her diploma and awards. He was so proud of me especially because he knew I was on the honors list.

Being one of the top students, I can say was not really a thing that made me proud. Because I was comparing the quality of education in a private school where I started in the city where I was born to the public school where I transferred. Pretty much, I knew already the lessons that they were teaching and I felt like, in a way, unfair for the other kids whose striving to be on the top of the class. For me, I wanted to learn something more but it was the only thing our school has to offer. As long as I am in school maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Although at the back of my mind, I am not globally competitive. I could have learned advance Science and Technology (which is my favorite subject) and could have conversed more grammatically correct English if they had reinforced very well the use of it. English was my second favorite subject but then they were freakin' using our national language in our English class which pissed me off and lost my interest in the subject.

Graduation day, as much as I was expecting to be the Valedictorian, on second thought maybe I am not. My "twin" bestfriend has always been my competition in rankings as what the teachers made it to be. Yet I am glad our relationship as best of friends wasn't affected by our academic rivalry. We leave everything into fate when it comes to that matter. No hurt feelings whatever will be the outcome because we know each other's capabilities. Three days before the Graduation, our teacher announced the honor rolls  which is my bestfriend as the Valedictorian, and me as the Salutatorian. I congratulated her and I am so happy because both of us got the top place. =) Nothing beats the twin sisters, as the whole campus would say.

Graduation day. I wanted a unique style for my hair. I asked my cousin to braid my hair in tiny double-braids (or was it french braid they call it?), Multiple lines starting from the front going to my nape area. I think they call it "Cornrows" in the African braids' term. I was very happy after almost an hour doing it, she managed to finish it with of course, painful fingers and hands! ^_^ She was very patient in this kind of stuff so I wasn't aloof to ask a favor from my older cousin. My favorite colors from the colorful sanrios I chose was used so I was really contented and satisfied. When me and my family reached the school grounds where the graduation will commence, everybody was staring at me. My classmates came and different comments came up in the air. Mostly were good. Until I wore my graduation gown and cap! I thought hey I looked bald in here with my graduation cap covering my hairstyle. Maybe that's why every girls out there was  just having their hair loose without pony tails. They just managed it with hair gels or hair sprays to keep it in place. Good grief, it's too late for me to loosen up the braids for the graduation ceremony was already starting.

Imagine-- this is how it closely looked like
 when I bowed down to receive my medal.

There was a lot of talks and blah, blah, blahs from the guest speaker, to the principal, to the city mayor who wishes to inspire us with their words and experiences. Then there came our turn to go up the stage and receive our medals. My twin came up first. Everything was normal claps from the sleepy crowd when suddenly it was my turn to receive my medal. Me and my proud dad went up the stage and when he was about to put the medal on me, I needed to remove my cap to give way for the medal to slip on my head. It seemed like everybody got waken up when they saw my hair style and I could vividly hear the crowd laugh and cheered for the oddness it brought. I could hear from some of my teachers were negative comments on why did I made my hair like this. They were a bunch of conservative people who really doesn't want a touch of peculiarity from the norms they were used to. On the other hand, the audience were now wide awake and laughing with amusement in their eyes, and I regarded it as positive reaction so as not to ruin my wonderful moment. And hey, I went up the stage twice for the "Athlete of the Year Award" for gaining 3rd place in Chess in the Provincial Athletic Meet. The crowd, once again, was full of anticipation as I was gonna remove my cap. It was like their most awaited moment, the removal of my cap and then you could hear a wave of chuckle coming from the left to right. After the awarding was the announcing of the graduates and there you have it, the graduation was finished! Oh, yeah don't forget about the graduation song for the closing remarks where almost all of my classmates and parents cried for joy. (Include my emotional dad to the teary-eyed list) It was then my turn to find their faces amusing...hahaha revenge!!!

The elementary years was finished and I was very excited to go to high school and then to college and then to work. For me, it was a very long wait to finish high school and college before I could go to work. The graduation symbolized a step to have a work. I don't know why but all I wanted to do is to finish everything quickly and find a work. A very weird thing for a young girl at my age. The mean girls was excited about the high school life and boy hunting. Me? I am thinking of having a work... ^_^ Every ending is a start of new beginning, well let's see what's going to happen.=)


**To be continued...
Guys, don't forget to browse my BLOG ARCHIVE FOR THE LIST OF STORIES that you missed...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

Thank You for the "Palace"

I am having difficulty contemplating what to blog today.I'd like to reflect on the things that occurred to me and look for the lessons behind my past. However, I don't know what happened next. I have an amnesia in some memories since that bad moment became a part of my memory. It's a part of my defense mechanism for such stress in order to cope and keep myself sane. Oh well, as I have said in When Falling Down and Breaking Up Could Mean A Start, it's a start of something new... =) Very redundant neh? 

My father started the construction of the house after a week of preparation of plans and also the estimation of how much materials would be needed. My dad did it all for he was once a frustrated civil engineer himself. His great dream someday, I will be the one to fulfill the dream that he didn't reached. It was okay with me after all, I love to draw and design a house. I built a dream on my mind that time that someday, I would be a successful civil engineer. The unexpected expenses for the construction of the house made my father's savings for his future job application going back to Saudi was used. He wasn't able to apply also because he took the role of the engineer, foreman, steelfixer and carpenter all in one. He got so busy that he wasn't able to notice how time flies and how he needed to find a job to support our family. He only realized it when all of his savings were gone in a wink of an eye and ended up as a half-finished house six months after the house fell apart. Let me describe the brand new house: it has walls made up of hollow blocks, but it has no smooth finishing yet. We have cemented rooftop for he planned to make a second floor someday. To access the second floor, he made a permanent stairs going to the rooftop which we cover with a galvanized iron at night and when there is rainstorms and monsoons. The floor is not cemented yet that's why we are walking day or night on the soil which in time hardened up because it was being walked upon daily by the house's inhabitants. The windows, still we just cover it with curtains, no glass covering it to protect from the rain or coldness of wintertime (it's not that cold anyway in the Philippines). The doors? Nah...only the bathroom has a permanent door in it. The rest were covered by curtains. I was a little bit disappointed, the house is still not that safe for me. Still no privacy. I would still need to get dressed everyday of my life in the bathroom. I need to bring all my clothes and stuffs there just to have my little taste of privacy. And if I got unlucky, sometimes my stuffs will fall down on the bathroom's wet tiles and I would have to shout for my aunt's name or my mom to help me get another pair of clothes. And to top all that, the moment that I have been waiting for: RAIN. Yes, rain. I wanted to know if the cemented roof wasn't gonna leak just like our old roof before where we always need to put a pail under, or any receptacle to prevent the rainwater from wetting our old wooden floors. One afternoon, the moment of truth came, it rained! Of course I wasn't expecting the windows and doors to keep the raindrops out of our house since it was only covered by curtains. I ran around the house that time inspecting if our new roof was safe from the rainy season. I was so happy to see that everything was dry until after 30 mins. a drop of water leaked out from certain areas of the house. A couple in my room which drops just near my bed. (Oh great, I was thinking, of a way how to put a pail over there and while I am asleep I might kick it and make a huge wake-up splash!) There were some in the living room too. There's one in my parents' room and also in the kitchen. LOL.

To give you an idea of what kind of house I was talking about, it nearly looked like this, just remove the red metal beams for the glass windows here and alas! You have a bird's eye view of our "palace". =)

Anyway, I have lived everyday of my life for three years now with that kind of scenario, how much more now? At least I wont fear that our roof is going to fly  away with the strong typhoon winds while I lay down on my bed on a stormy night, or fall down again in our old wooden floor's crevices. Or fear that another person would suddenly open the door in the bathroom because the lock is so weak as well as the door itself. I wouldn't have to itch again with the termites' eggs everytime I accidentally stuck on the wooden walls. Or worry about leaning on the walls may cause me to break it and end up stumbled down on the other side of the wall. Those weird thoughts of me being paranoid at least lessened even a bit this time. At the end of the day, it is still a nice foundation of a house my dad made there and I am proud of him (event though my mom argued with him for not listening to her opinion that my dad's house plan is big, which he later on realized was right). Furthermore, he said that someday, I will be the on to continue finish our house coz' as of now, he's broke! hahaha =)

Life gives us situations where we thought there's nothing new to be thankful of but if we look closely, there are little things that are worthy of THANK YOU! My Aunt Nitz would always say, "Those are little things but it comes something". I think that was her secret for her contentment, simplicity and joy in life. Appreciate little things, little efforts, little deeds of kindness and you will realize how lucky you are with your life.

**To be continued...

Please subscribe...^_^

 

When Falling Down and Breaking Up Could Mean A Start

My dad went home this year from his work in Saudi. He finished his contract there and planned to stay a little longer in the Philippines. He did not try to apply as soon as he came home unlike before. I was happy that time because I felt safe in our house because there is finally a man in our house. Someone who can surely protect me with all his life and might. My dad who always says to me that I am his favorite (which is wrong I admit, it would cause sibling rivalry in the home) maybe because I was just the only princess in the family. =) But even though my dad's words are flamboyant and so flattering, my loyalty still belongs to my mom. I knew it was a part of my dad's personality as a womanizer (which my mother claimed that my dad lie-lowed when I was born). I don't know the truth but one time my mother said that one of my Godmother in my baptismal picture is my dad's EX-paramour. I got pissed off with the thought of that. That's why I really, really, really promised myself I would never ever get myself a boyfriend or better yet a husband! I'd rather grow an old maid alone with my life than to see myself crying because of an infidel man. Yet, my dad is still my dad. I really respect him for being a good father to me and I tried my best to be a good girl for him too so that I won't see him angry. I wouldn't want to see him again beat me and my older brother with his leather belt because of some mischievous things we did and later on I would see him cry in one corner because he doesn't really wanted to punish us that way. Aside from that, I am already on my puberty stage and it will be awkward for me to see myself still got beaten up by my parents for the wrong things I've done.

Things get more and more complicated that time. Maybe that is what happens when you're in Grade 6, you happen to break some rules and assert some degree of independence for yourself. There came a time that me and my Aunt Nitz (my mom's eldest sister who is an old maid) had a fight and I shouted at her trying to explain what I would like to do with my life and not to dictate what I would do for myself because I am old enough to be controlled with what she wants to happen with my daily life. I understand that she doesn't have anyone to take care of but she was being too much of a control freak to me. Here comes my mom hearing what's going on with me and my aunt for the first time. First offense: A SLAP IN THE FACE. But it did not stop me from arguing with my aunt. Maybe a few weeks just passed and the same scene and issues rose again so here it goes. Second offense: A SLAP ON THE FACE, BOTH SIDES. No cheek has escaped this time for my disrespect for her older sister. Still, it did not stop us both from fighting over my so-called independence, which she answers back as "Independence, independence? Independence in the wrong way!"  repeated a lot of times in our arguments. It was useless to argue with her. We're just beating around the bush and yet she doesn't grasp any of my point. The arguments just go round and round and yet she remained close to what she wanted to happen. So my third offense, my father caught us fighting so again, I GOT A SLAP ON THE FACE. Again!!! I thought I might be a stubborn one. If I were another kid, a first slap on the face means running away from their own home. So I went crying at the backyard digging the soil around the papaya tree. I poured my anger and ill feeling towards the soil which has no idea with what was going on with me. A few minutes later, my mom came to follow me at the backyard and told me to say sorry to my dad. He is in the room silently weeping with sorrow to what he did to me. As I have said, I am his favorite daughter and I would be the last person whom he'd do such thing. A slap in the face in the Filipino culture would be the ultimate punishment in an act of disobedience or disrespect which would also mean to say or followed by  "You stay out of my house..." tag line. I called my father gently and he opened his arms and meant me to come give him a hug. That time we spoke to each other, heart to heart. I told him my concerns and he told me his advice. We both said sorry to each other and tried to promise not to do it again.

A few weeks after, an owl went inside our old kitchen. Our house was quite weird. If only I was able to save some photographs of it but to my dismay, our house is always followed by rain, and buckets, and basins inside the house; wet floors and no windows and doors. There was no hope of saving an old picture or childhood memories because the place was always wet on the rainy season. The house was kinda elevated and you can see stuffs under through the small gaps of the wooden floor. Sometimes, me and my gay cousin would go under the house to look for money that accidentally fall down from the pockets of the customers from the restaurant. One  time I was the one who fell down through the crevice of the old wooden floor and got stuck there for quite sometime until my mom pulled me up from the hungry eating monster floor. One time, our old ceiling where the cats used to run and play fell down (actually, both of them fell down on the act of making love!!! LOL) because of its old age and the woods used already had termites that weaken the solidity of the house. I think we all just got used to it. Going back to the owl, on the table; it was lunch time when my mom called me and said that it is bad luck to have an owl go inside the house. I tried to rush from the store going inside the house because this could be my first time to see an owl but it flew away before I came. It was quite a little bit windy that day and the trees and plants around the house and backyard was swaying. Everything was looking peaceful and calm when the huge papaya fruit (it looked like a huge watermelon) of the unusually tall papaya tree located just outside the kitchen corner fell down. I was on my way going back to the store again when I've heard the crashing sound of the fruit falling down to our old rusty roof. I looked back and was expecting to see a fruit making a hole over the roof but I was wrong. I SAW THE ENTIRE KITCHEN FALLING DOWN just like a slow motioned video and when the whole roof, ceiling and it's braces reached our old wooden floor, it was the floor's turn to fall down into the ground under. I was so speechless that time. It took me a few minutes to process what had happened before I could shout "MAMAAAAA!!! PAPAAAAAAA!!!" My mom, who was in the store that time ran to me, into the living room where I was standing as she heard the loud crashing noise. I saw my dad this time, he was just outside, a few meters from kitchen which was an open laundry area because the water pump was there outside. He was washing our clothes that day and he was there smiling beside the washing machine, shaking his head and turned everything maybe in his mind as a funny little joke. Seeing him now, in this non-walled house, I felt a feeling of relief and started to laugh with my dad at that freakin' situation.

My dad went to gather the broken things so that he could make a way for the people to pass going to the bathroom. And there, he found the suspect: a huge papaya fruit which miraculously appeared to be unharmed by the impact it gave to our house. By the way, we feasted on it on our dinner time and it was really sweet. I pity the papaya tree because my father and cousin would have to cut it off so they could make a new plan for the whole area of the house. The unplanned house construction started and my mom and dad started to plan the design and the area that the new house will cover. The sight gave me a glimpse of hope. It gave me a feeling that safety and security is gonna come. As I watch them picking up the pieces and putting away the woods and the roof in a safer place, it felt like everything is gonna be alright now. It may be a closing remark for the memories of the old house but it is a new beginning for our new life. ^_^

Yeah, you could never start over again when the old piece is still there. Sometimes you need to break things up and set aside every feelings you have. May it be grief, anger, frustrations and other ill feelings we have. Sometimes we need to remove the very last shard of a broken glass before we can say that we are safe and ready to start a new life again. To move on and live your life happily. Everything in it is important. You will never know how to appreciate happiness when you've never been sad. You will never appreciate new things when you don't go through the old one. When some things in life seem to end, and the door of opportunity closes, don't worry. Somewhere out there, there would always be a place for you to start over again, or maybe, another portal or a door in disguise of a window is going to open for you! It may not be as easy as passing through a door but passing through a window is more exciting and challenging. We must have to learn how to appreciate and see things through a different perspective. =)


**To be continued...
If you haven't read yet the first part of my story, please see Me: Before it Happened. Thank you! Hope you enjoyed reading. Please feel free to comment below for the improvement of this blogsite. XOX

Conversion Disorder (Part 1: Visual)

Still a part of my Grade 6 life... =) Please check the Blog Archive to see the very first part of the story (Me: Before it Happened) or the lists of content of my story. Have a fun Friday night! (Ohhh, I love Fridays... ^_^)

One afternoon, our teacher had an activity for us to do. She divided the class into two groups, the left and right row. It is so weird that we only had two rows that time. The aisle was like a division of two worlds: the Mean Girls' World and the Alternative World. I belong to the alternative dudes in class who doesn't care about fashion, and what's popular, what's in today and what's out. I just decide for myself based on what's comfortable for me and what is not. It was really a nice competition I thought. The mechanics of the activity was to start from the very hind column of chairs at the back and our teacher is going to post something on the board and answer it as fast as you can. The first one to reach the front column of chairs will be the winner and will have the plus points for recitation. They started selecting the first five persons to join the game. I was selected as the first fight and my competitor was my gay peer. First question: our teacher showed a questionnaire written in manila paper. She opened it and to my surprise, I can't see anything on it! Nothing! My opponent answered the question correctly so he moved forward and our teacher showed the next questionnaire again. To my group's dismay, they were all staring at me, giving me with a puzzled looked because they all knew I really know this subject so well it is impossible for me not to answer even one of the questions showed to us by our teacher. My gay friend ended up infront and their next player was at the other side of me when suddenly I told our teacher what's going on with me. I can't believe it myself that me, who always loves to seat at the back, bragging out my perfect eyesight from Grade 3 to Grade 5, in just one click I lost it? What could have been the cause? What happened to me? Is it possible for someone to lose a perfect eyesight in a day? Our teacher let the next player after me to take over as I sat down to my chair confused and full of disbelief in what is going on with me. Everybody in my group was asking how did this happen? I just answered "I don't know either...I only knew about this just right NOW!" Their look was full of sympathy. My seatmate even tried to comfort me after he finished his turn answering the questions. I felt like having the heavens in the sky fell down on me here on earth. The shock was too powerful that I felt like floating, out of this world. I didn't even hear a thing that our teacher was telling me after they finished the competition. I was clueless on what's going on with me. I was just too thankful that time, my seatmate and my bestfriend were there to "catch" me that time because I am falling down to my eternal feeling of loss. It was the most important thing to lose when you are the kind of person who enjoys seeing, and appreciating the things that surrounds you.

That very afternoon, I told my mother about my deficient vision. My mo told me immediately, "Yan kasi kababasa ng pocketbook sinabi na ngang nakakalabo ng mata yun eh lalo na kapag madilim." (It's because you were reading a lot of pocketbooks. I told you that it can damage your vision especially reading it at dark.) Yeah, I admit. At bedtime, I would sneak a couple of romance novels from our store and get a flashlight and read it in our room which has no light at all. I don't know the reason why the two bedrooms in our house don't have a light, nor even had an effort to have a light switch around. At least it indicated that they intended to put a light out there but never managed to finished. Another thing I was pissed of aside from having no doors in our rooms just curtains. We just came there in that house and occupied it since we migrated there from my birth place which is Baguio City. Everything in this place was a real shock for me considering that I grew up in a city then suddenly moved to a province where the most of the stuffs I was used to was never a necessity. Going back to my complain, I old my mom that I need a corrective lenses and her response was a big NO. She said it would only worsen my vision. Okay I gave up that time. My mom was always the one who decides. She's the ultimate ruler of the house, she always has the last word.

MY PRESENT INTERPRETATION
Conversion Disorder is one of the defense mechanisms used by a person to overcome stress. It usually happens when someone tries to suppress an event, a memory, a stimuli that causes great deal of stress etc. It is also common in persons who has a history of childhood sexual abuse. As of now, as much as I would not want to look back to my past, I just realized that can it be possible that the sudden deficiency of my vision was caused by the stress I have been through before? Oh well, call me a hypochondriac, but I think I am oftentimes hahaha...LOL As much as I could I would like to delete that certain memory of mine but it turned out to be me having not to see the things around me so well so as to lessen the stress and pain that the world I live in would cause me. At some point I thought of this too, just close my eyes and escape the world. But in the end I am still here and still chooses to see the wonderful world we are living in even though the world had brought me struggles that I have to fight. I believe maybe in the end, this world that tortured me with different difficulties in life would be the very same world who would reward me with great rewards in the end. I just need to have FAITH.

**To be continued...

No, no this is not a diary of a wimpy, or wimpy girl... Or yeah okay... whatever... LOL

De Javu

This is actually like Grade 6 part 3 of the story. In case you just stumbled upon my blog, let me lead you to Part 1 which is My First Fight and the Part 2 is I Am One with the "Nature". If you happen to see any grammatically wrong sentence here in my blog I am very sorry... but I am trying my best to narrate everything in English. =) any comments, suggestions and reactions are most welcome her in my blog. Enjoy reading!

My most awaited event in the entire school year has come-- the Athletic meet. I loved it very much that I ranked girl scouting as 2nd place to it. I have been waiting for the Athletic meet since the start of the schoolyear and I am very excited to have my revenge and to show the judges in the Provincial meet that they were mistaken not to have me play on the decision match in the past year. I was still the lone winner for Chess girls, but this time, I was the player for Board 1. Level up guys, level up!!! And the Board 2 player was one of my peer whom became very passionate about learning chess since I won third place last year in the Provincial meet (story: Behind the Clouds). I taught her how to play and we were lucky we were both winners by the fault. Nobody dared to fight us...LOL. Automatically, we were qualified for the Provincial meet same with the boy whom I were with last year. He is not promoted to Board 1 because the past board 1 player is our batchmate but from another District.

The usual training started. One month away from the family, plus the week you will have for the competition. It is much longer vacation than the scouting which only lasts for 1 week!!! We've got the same trainer from last year and the tricks were pretty much the same but I became sharper with using it this time. Before we were sent to the Provincial meet, I defeated my trainers who is an old man and a young adult man. Both of them congratulated me and convinced me that I am really ready for the tournament. That made my heart so proud and overwhelmed. It added to my confidence and fueled up my passion to win the tournament.

Training time wasn't always training time for chess (for me...hehehe). I managed to sneak out and go to the volleyball team wherein my seatmate's cousin allows me to play as a substitute whenever one of her players is tired or got injured. I was so happy it always felt like the first time for me to be in the court, even though I was joining them last year in their practice and early morning exercises/training. The reason why? I NEVER MANAGED TO LET MY SERVICE PASS OVER THE OTHER SIDE OF THE NET!!! I was really frustrated and yet it did not stop me from persevering. Everyday. everytime, as long as I have "extra" time I would beg them to let me in the court. Even if I always got hit by the ball everywhere, yes. Everywhere. Even my face didn't escape the wrath of that flying ball! But I really wanted to learn so I still stick to it like a super glue would do. No pain, no gain. =)

Another thing I love about this training period is breakfast time. We get to go eat in the house of our sponsors for breakfast. Everyday there is a different sponsor and they usually prepare lots of good foods for us. It's not like any ordinary breakfast of the day. It was like a feast early in the morning.

The most awaited moment has come. The day before the start of the tournament I bought a stock of Polo Candy (yeah, the mint with the hole...hahaha loved this candy). You know why? I discovered that when I get tensed and feels like my head is burning from too much concentration I spend in a game, I try to have this candy to lessen the tension and relieve a little bit the pseudo-hyperthermia I am going through. The feverish feeling is like melting my brain out into the game. But hey this time, my record is clean. FLAWLESS VICTORY just what Mortal Kombat would usually say in the arcade.

The days went just easy even if the battles were really tough since I was competing with the past Board 1 players this time. Some games took me a short time to defeat them. Some would give me a hard time and heat my brain up to the extreme. But thanks to Polo, the mint with the hole (LOL...can't help but to laugh about this) I managed to win the hardest battle. But we were running behind the schedule this time. I was wondering how the judges will be able to finish the matches when at the day of the awarding we still have 5 matches to fight. That very afternoon will be the awarding of winners and there is 2 remaining matches that I have to go through. Suddenly, when we came back in the afternoon for any news about the matches, the judges instantaneously announced: ____ is the first place, ____ is the second place, and they put me to third place. WHYYYYYYY????? I asked my coach how could they do that! I asked her to please ask the judges what are their grounds for such decision? My coach went back to me disappointedly. Of course she would like once again to coach a student to the Regionals and if I got lucky to the Nationals but the judges just told her, "This school got an excellent trainer and they would spend money just for the training of their player." WHAAAAAATTTTT??? Just like that??? Yes, sadly, just like that. I bet there's politics going on in their system. An all time monkey business traditionally done by the politicians. And since we don't have the money to spend that ostentatious, we just left everything for Karma to take place. In the end of the awarding, Our good-natured coach never forgets to give her treat to us for doing such a great job even though the male players didn't fare well on their matches but still, our coach treats everybody equally as her "child". I just loved our coach.

So the day ended with broken heart but with the graceful acceptance of defeat. We still managed to smile and joke about the times we were in the tournament area and made fun with how we look while we were having a gr We did all the best effort we can and we just got short of luck. =) Anyway the experience was so priceless and considered as my once in lifetime treasures which I am always thankful for and never regret whatever the outcome may be. This was one of the moments I feel grateful for my existence. History may repeat itself but there will always be a turningpoint where a change can happen and start a new beginning, a new chapter of learning experience. =)



**To be continued...

Please check out the Blog Archive for the sequencing of the stories, starting from Me: Before It Happened

I am One with the "Nature"

This is a sequel of My First Fight...^__^

I think it was this part of my life where I became interested in exploring around, discovering new things and have fun around and be one with the nature. Our  school was a reforested area before and still it is still a forested area even with the few school buildings built in there. I loved it most when it is autumn and all the leaves of the mahogany trees fall down and cover the whole place with its golden leaves. When I first saw it, the very instinct I had in mind was to roll in the pile of leaves and toss them again and again up in the air until I get tired and just lay down and watch the sunshine starting to peek through the previously forest-shaded area.

I could still remember, when I was in Grade 3, the first place I discovered about nature was the river where I spent most of my afternoons/afterschools building an artificial waterfall at the riverbanks using rocks as the dykes and a drinking straw for the fountain effect aside from the waterfall flowing over the mini dyke. I also often dig a small lagoon of water as big as a basin,put white pebbles in it and put small fishes and tadpoles after. So simple and yet so pure. I felt so powerful for I can create those things. Feels like an engineer who designs and build new things with my own hands. And I have a competition here so the design that I make must be a winning piece! I have this gay cousin whom I always play with. My dolls, fashion, hair styles, everything! He was my ultimate playmate. It's because of him why I have great empathy with gay people.(I did not know that time that I would be gay someday too but yeah, I felt different even before). I love to see them and how they make other people laugh. I think they are born natural happy persons that has the ability to emanate and pass happiness virally. 

This time, I explore the nature here in the forests hiking with my friends. (One of them is "?"/ gay or not gay phase). We are going to my bestfriend's house and we are gonna pass through behind or classroom. Before that, I asked them to wait for me, I needed a C.R. break. One of them patiently waited for me outside when suddenly, the moment I walked out of the comfort room a snake appear out of the file of rocks and leaves bringing me and my friend to shrieking noises while we were running as fast as we could to get near our other friends. After the panic mode was over, we were laughing hard about our reaction and how silly we looked like just because of a snake passing by his territory. Reality check: yes, we are just invaders there. It is really owned by the creatures living there not us who suddenly stood up a school there. Perhaps, the creatures were really disturbed because it was not the first time that a student see a snake roaming around. Oftentimes when it is windy, you would just notice a snake falling off a tree. Sometimes in the middle of flag ceremony we would notice a huge snake trying to cross from one tree to another. The whole reforested area was filled up of many creatures as well as plants you have never seen before in the city. One of my favorite thing to do while walking there in the forest was to spot different flowering wild orchids and wished I could own one too at home. You can see up high in the trees the different colors, the wonderful bouquet of orchids and its sweet smell mixing up in the air. The moment was also serenaded by different birds singing their own unique tune, accompanied by the noise of cicadas and crickets in their hiding place. Whenever I was in that circumstance, I felt like a having a beautiful dream or a fairy tale, but hey it really do exist! In that very moment of my life...

From time to time, I was still having an encounter with the snakes/the wild ones. The fear was still there and yet I've learned that it is just a matter of respect to each other. I gave him way, and he also tried to stay out of my way. I learned that snakes wont hurt you as long as they aren't bothered with your presence. They are quite an odd creature for us human beings but still, every creature deserves a place in this Earth. My gay cousin was condemned by the others, but I cared for him and respected him as a part of the nature. We are all intertwined in a way that other people tried not to understand. Most of them shut their eyes to the truth that gays exist. Others would try to extinguish us for we are odd, for we see things differently than they do. Just like what I have said, it just takes a little respect in order to be in harmony with each other and in the world. 

My First Fight

In case you did not started the story from the very beginning, the first part is  Me: Before it Happened




Grade 6
A new school year was the start of the new life. Competition got tougher in academics and extra curricular activities in school. But I was still in my relaxed state of aura where I tried not to mind the threat of going down the rankings and enjoy life to the fullest instead. I can't wait for the next Athletic meet to come. It helped a lot in my personal healing as a confused and broken person.

 I tried to be myself more this time. I dressed boyishly but I style my long silk hair with lots of colorful "Sanrio" bands that came in different neon colors. I usually put a lot of it maximizing the spaces until the end. Sometimes I even braid my hair in smaller portions so I can make use of all the colors in the packet. One time I asked my cousin to do a certain style and it looked like a woven basket on my hair. I was so happy that time because people who sees it appreciated it somehow. I was also the first girl to play "Sipa"(a game where we kick a nickel with a tussle on it up in the air over and over. The person who can maintain its control  over the thing would be the winner. We count the number of times we kicked the thing up in the air and the person with most counts win.) with the boys. Then one of my peer followed and then some of the girls too. I felt like I was the trendsetter in the class. Sometimes I also see other girls following my hairstyles. I didn't care anyway and kept my carefree vibe in my daily school life.

I was more of a fighter this time. I am a silent person, yes. But then at one point my patience really snapped out. It was the PTA meeting before and all the teachers were in the meeting hall with all the parents so we were left in the classroom just chatting around and doing crazy stuffs and different peer businesses. My peer weren't around that time (I forgot the reason why I was alone that moment) and I was there in the room when suddenly we started teasing each other in the class. I forgot how I got into the commotion but I got into a physical fight with the son of my Grade 3 teacher. we started punching each other. The good thing about him, he did not punched me on my face (just like what my older brother did). I punched him in his deltoid area where I know is the safest place to hit a person for it is muscular and is not protecting an important body organ. He also hit me back, I don't remember where. But in the end I thought that it was so lame so I just turned my back and abandoned him when he suddenly hit me at my back and run away crying. I was so nervous that time that he might tell me to her mom and so I just prepared myself for a confrontation. Then there was this gay classmate of mine who never, ever talked to me before said to me "Putang ina niyang si Elaine ay amasona! Nakikipagsuntukan sa lalaki."(Your a child of a bitch, Elaine; you're an amazon. You're having a fist fight with a boy.) Those words ringed a bell in my ear I automatically flared up and cursed him back. "Putang ina mo din ah! Wala pang taong nagmura sakin kahit kelan." (Your a son of a bitch too. Nobody cursed me like that in my entire life.) He answered back with surprise and blushed, now with a lower tone of voice, "Hala ngay si Elaine ang lutong mo naman pala magmura ngayon lang kita narinig magmura."(Oh my, you curse is crisply delivered. This is the first time I heard you curse.) My heart was puonding that time with anger. I sat down in one corner and trying to calm down the palpitations that I was going through. It wasn't painful but it was very disturbing. I was thinking where have all my pals gone that time? Maybe if they where here I might not end up with a fight, it will be them whose having a fight...LOL Three of my peers are kinda war freak and there are three of us who just sit down and watch and wait if they will be needing a back-up or they can do it by themselves.

The strange feeling slowly went away. I wasn't sad because I got hit by my classmate. I was nervous for a confrontation (which never happened, he did not tell it to his mom). But yeah, I felt happy about having expressed my emotions that moment. I was just used to keeping everything to myself. You will never guess what emotions I have in my heart except from laughing and being apathetic. And when I'm in my apathetic state where you will never guess if I'm angry or not. It's like a mask hiding my true feelings on something or somebody. That day was quite a liberating experience for me. I learned that I can fight like a man for myself when needed. I just wished I do it every now and then (then I would be one of the warfreaks!!!!haha). The feeling was so elating maybe that's why bullies love to bully someone else because of the feeling that they get after. But I can't. I wasn't brought up that way by my mom. She always emphasized good behavior especially in public places so the guilt still kicks in me. Kindness and understanding other's shortcomings are also one of the values my mom taught me so really, my patience goes a long way. My mom would always say that it doesn't matter if other people step on you, crush you; as long as you are not the one who offended somebody else, you will be blessed with good Karma. Now I am still living with my mom's maxim.


**To be continued....

Sunshine...After the Rain

The Provincial meet ended gloriously as I felt an spark of hope and passion back within me. (If you are feeling lost about the story please read Behind the Clouds). Not the same as before that I viewed everything in my life as positive, that everybody is good (except my evil older brother...LOL but yes I believe that he is good, that there is something good in him that's why when we were young I tried to cover and defend him when he was bullied by our neighbor pals). I became extra cautious and a little bit paranoid over what is happening around me. Well back to the feel-good moment, I was so elated that time, that I felt very good about myself. Feels like I'm floating in the air, so proud that a newbie like me would win a place in the Provincial meet. Feels like I know one more time what I wanted in life. The time being away with my family gave me a space to breath and begin rebuilding myself again. I started forgiving the offender and letting go of self-remorse that I felt, for not doing the right thing. Actually, I really did not know what the right thing is. It remained a mystery to me until now, if what will happen if I told my mom about it. Knowing my mom, she has the military attitude. Her way of disciplining is based on a mistake=punishment formula. I mean it. Corporal punishment to be exact. LOL. That moment, I learned that no matter how thick or thin you slice cheese, it will always come in two sides. In life there are always 2 choices, a "Yes or No", whether you choose to give in or to remain hard, to be or not to be, or sometimes the alibi behind the "there is no choice" tag line. The truth is there is a choice. Whether you chose to do the last choice you have, or not.

I came back to our school full of life. Fresh and vivid. So warm and vibrant just like the sunshine. I was welcomed by my seatmate and the adventure started again. The arrogance that we had which is limited only to each other because in real life, we are really down to earth individuals. My bestfriend "twin" was so proud of me and she never fails to send me a simple note for each event that we had. She's so thoughtful in her own little ways that it is so touching and heartwarming. I really appreciate her messages, and advise. She really comforted me through my dark times and she was the one whom I confide everything to. In short, she has the key. We may not be seatmates in the class (because the teachers would always keep us apart to each other as the top students in the class) but we are always together every breaktime, giving us each other a time to update what is the latest happening in our life. I missed her very much since I did not went to class for more than a month because of the training so we had a lot of catching up to do. It's really good to know that despite of all the odd things that I'm going through, I always have someone on my back, who is at the same time always by my side when needed the most. Everything felt so new even though there's nothing really new in our school. I am seeing life in a different perspective this time. And this time, boys are excluded to my foci.

**To be continued...

Out of the Topic...(This is NOT A PART OF THE STORY)

Hello everyone! 
Today I just found this free host with:

- 1500 MB of Disk Space
- 100 GB Bandwidth
- Your own domain hosting
- cPanel Control panel
- Website Builder
- Over 500 website templates ready for download
- Free POP3 Email Box and Webmail access
- FTP and Web based File Manager 
- PHP, MySQL, Perl, CGI, Ruby. 
- No Ads at all !

Check it out Here: http://www.000webhost.com/599231.html

Behind the Clouds

Everyday was like a big question to me whether or not every little thing that I do is right or wrong. Good or bad. I became careful with what I have to say and most of the time I would just keep everything to myself. I tried to move on with my life even the post-traumatic stress is still there. I'm very thankful that my seatmate's cousin is trying to orient me with the guys again. She apparently made me confide to her how I feel when I am around the opposite sex. I think the strategy that she used was desensitization. She tried to initiate the stimuli little by little starting from one classmate we are with for the Provincial meet. (BTW, I tried to join sports, yet in a solitary activity named CHESS...LOL. I was selected in the whole district to compete for the Provincial meet since I've been the best in town..because nobody in our campus joined except me...hahaha win by default) They were both the Captain Ball of the volleyball team. So they are quite close to each other sharing thoughts and strategies about the game and of course training their team members to be just like them. I was with them on my free time joining the training they have even of I should be training for chess tactics. I started to enjoy one more time the feeling of having someone else and to belong in a group. Well at least I enjoyed being with a group. But when it is one on one coaching with my trainer who is a fine bachelor, I can't help to be trembling all the time. It even annoys me to hear myself stuttering everytime I answers his question. 

The sports thing was a very timely event for healing myself, a positive diversion of my negative thoughts and feelings. Through it, I was able to escape from my past, gave me time to be alone with myself (yes, because we slept in the school the whole training month and we are excused of all the lessons and exams that time). I don't see my family which are my cousins, just a few blocks away from our house. But I really safeguarded myself from any harm that may come. I am even half asleep at night and always have a girl buddy at my side in anything that I do. I never let myself alone and be vulnerable to such thing again. 

PROVINCIAL MEET

It was quite an new experience to me. From being a newbie in chess to compete in the whole province was such a big deal. In my first 3 games, I lost, and know because I am still a beginner. I played for board 2 and an older girl played for board 1. If you are a board 1 player, it means you are the cherry on top of the cream. And I was the cream at that moment... LOL. Our coach empathized with the hurt from the defeat that she saw from my eyes troubled her and caused her to make a move. She took us all out in a popular food chain house since our board 1 player won that day. She said that every win we earn means a treat so she asked us one by one what we like. I instantaneously answered "Icecream!!!" and yes, we had a deal.


The 4th game was the start of my victory because the thought of having an icecream inspired me so much I was so motivated to win the game. The succeeding games was all a victory for me! I did not know how I did it considering the level of my knowledge in chess was. I was a beginner who miraculously leveled-up without a clue how I did it. It made me so proud of myself. It made me so happy more than anyone else. My coach was also clueless how I did it. She ending up spending Php25 a day for the wins that I have earned. I admit I felt guilty that she was buying me such expensive treat. She is not rich but she just kept her word.


Last day, the result came out. We had a triple tie in the board 2. The ironic thing about it was the 2 girls who beat me the first round was the ones I had tie with in the end. It was like giving me a second chance to prove myself to them one more time now that I have this passion to win. But in the end it made me so sad again for they did not made a rematch. They just put me to third place since both beat me in the first round anyway. Such an unfair decision...yeah I learned that life is good but don't expect it to be fair. LOL. So I was in a bad mood and the boys team were teasing me and the other boy even kicked my foot so that I would stumble in front of lots of people out there. I really drove me so mad plus the hurt that I had again in my heart made me go after him, chase him and beat the hell out of him. I punched him so hard and even kicked him and he was already lying on the floor coz he slipped when I grabbed his jacket. I poured out all my resentment to him, from the unfair judges, to the humiliation I had when I slipped in front of the crowd because of what he did. I hated crying and eversince I was 5years old I promised to myself that I would not cry (especially when our mom beats us whenever me and my older brother did something really nasty). The pain and heaviness inside my chest needs to be channeled out so I thanked the circumstance, I was able to liberate the dull feeling through him. Such a relief. The saying was really true..."When it rains, it pours..." =)


Our coach called our attention especially me being caught in the act beating our teammate out. Our coach told me that I was behaving like a boy. I just said my reason and kept quiet afterwards because it was obvious, the sympathy wasn't mine this time. After the awarding, our principal took us to the same food chain where our coach took us for encouragement the very first day of the competition. It was so memorable that where everything has started was the very same place where it will end, and it ended well I can say. Our principal was very proud of us girls (Board 1 and 2 girl players which means me and the older girl) because she won the title for board 1 and will compete in the Regionals (which she eventually made it to the Nationals...yes, she is a grandmaster whom I idolize so much). Me? I got the 3rd place...and I told them if I got the rematch I could have been be the one for Regionals too. (Bragging my ass out to the principal when the very first day I was there in the restaurant I was so inferior to everyone.) And what happened to the volleyball team and other team? Nah...they did not make it. It was only the chess team managed to get an award somehow.


Behind the clouds, there is still the sun. You cannot see it but it is still there. Have faith and everything will start to brighten up again...have faith and you will start to feel the warmth of your passion again.




**Next part to be continued...
In case you haven't read it yet the story before this post is: Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 2)

Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 2)

As old as I am today I realized and accepted the fact that darkest moments do exist once in a while. It took me a long while to liberate my suppressed emotions towards this fact. I realized the more you suppress the bad feeling, the more it will make you feel miserable.

Note: If you haven't read the part 1 yet, please follow this link: Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 1)

Blogging this past could really mean that I have overcome it. I don't know if it is uncommon or just few people would dare to speak the truth. I didn't dare. Even my parents and my older brother didn't know about it. And when it happened, my younger brother was only 4 years old and only he knows about it. He's is the only witness that I have but I don't know if he could even remember it. I was almost close to be a victim of sexual abuse by my teenage cousin. And thank God for my younger brother whom I was taking care of at night who is sharing bed with me, I am saved from a lifetime of nightmare. That was the time I blame the restaurant being open 24 hours and our mother is not here by our side to protect us at night. To think that our house is open for public use (because the customers needs to pass through our house just to go to the comfort rooms), and our rooms doesn't have doors in it. Just curtains! My mom wouldn't even notice if someone goes inside our rooms because you wouldn't even hear a door open or close. So I am really thankful of my brother, he is my angel. The moment that my cousin was close to touching me, I discreetly woke up my brother by pinching him whom I was hugging that moment while I was pretending to be sleeping when in fact I am wide awake at that point in midnight when my cousin sneaked into our room. Half awake, my brother asked my cousin what is he doing in our room, and so my drunk cousin ran away. I am not sure, but I suspect he was on drugs.I could even hear my mom asked our helper if she saw someone running out of our house, who replied no. My mother even cracked a joke and told our helper "If that was a robber, he already said hold-up before you could even run and save yourself." And then I heard them laughed.




The whole midnight I was hugging my brother really tight. I never felt that much afraid in my entire life. I could even hear my heart pounding until my ears. I was crying hoping that our mom was there. I am so afraid of my cousin and I am so afraid of telling it to my mom and I am so afraid of the possible outcome, or a possible war between my mom and her sister. I am so afraid that the whole day in the school I was trembling, speechless and tearful. My energy went away. My laughter, my joy vanished. I became serious and timid. I refuse to talk for talking to someone else might cause danger to me. I hated all the boys in class for the fear of the same event might happen in any given place in time. I was too afraid to speak. I took a long bath hoping to wash away the memories of last night. It was a very big deal for me at that age. My thoughts made my head hurt so much, thinking of what is the right thing to do. Until i finally made a decision. I am gonna tell it to his mother (my aunt) so everything would go in a peaceful way. But the moment I told about it to her she laughed at me and told me, "Baka naman nananaginip ka lang?" ("Maybe you were just dreaming?") and then she looked at me with disbelief. I got more hurt because hey, I did a wrong move. It just worsened the feeling, it didn't gave it a closure. In the end she just said that she will talk to her son and that I must not tell it to my mother. Yeah right. I did not tell it to my mom. Because if I do so, a war will start. I just prayed for my retribution, for the Karma to take its course. But since then I hated guys. I tremble whenever a boy is going to come near me. I stutter and sweat, become cold and clammy. Sometimes I become flushed and have difficulty in breathing. I can't look to their eyes. If only I could hide and crawl to the ground and disguise. From that moment, I hated skirts, sexy and revealing stuffs. Body hugging jeans and blouse. V-necks. Low necklines. Barebacks. Sleeveless. Translucent shirts. Everything that I could think that could attract the opposite sex I always avoided. I resort to a straight cut jeans and free-sized shirt and rubbershoes. I learned to love gays so much. Only 1 guy could come close to me whom I am comfortable to, without the feeling of anxiousness, my seatmate-friend-in-crime. But the mischievousness lessened for I am drowned oftentimes with the preoccupation of what happened and what could have been the best way to do.

Yeah, I could have made my life easier if I learned to move on with my life. It made a big impact to me, that every guy out there is gonna do something bad to me. My trust to the world got broken. I can't help getting skeptical with everything that life brings to me. I found it very difficult to trust. I learned how to see the aura behind a person whether or not he is trustworthy. I started getting more time alone with my self. Trying to figure out things that I should not be worried of anymore. I became pessimistic when before I always see the good side of everything. I started to wake up that hey, is this the true world? Is this the reality? That maybe I was just in a fairy tale world before which I created?

Every beings has a capability of being a monster given the right circumstance. It is still your choice if you're going to unleash it or to tame it. 

**Next part to be continued...

Collide by Howie Day (Lyrics and Guitar Chords)

Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 1)

At this point in time I was trying to earn friends. The bestfriend years has started, puberty is at its onset and so many things are bothering my thoughts and feelings which I blame to the changes of hormones I have in my body.

Grade 5
I was starting to go out and face the world. The culture shock I had from being a city girl to a rural girl is gone. I am mingling quite well with my classmates. I've got a new bestfriend which is a transferee too (the new apple of the eye in the class) which my classmates says that we are like twins together. I experienced in this stage to cling too much on my newfound instant bestfriend and get jealous when someone else is trying to "steal her" from me at recess time. I also learned of letting go of her because I learned that I don't own her and that the right thing to do is just to express to her even non-verbally that I am always here for her. (I really don't say how I feel verbally, I show it through my actions or send a note/letter).

I also had this boy seatmate whom I've learned most of the funny and wacky stuffs I could possibly imagine. We teased each other to the extreme until our teacher would call our attention and let us stand for the remaining period of the lecture as a punishment. There also came a point that one subject teacher put him in front seat while I was left at the hindmost of the seating arrangement in class for an attempt to separate us. But we still ended up sitting together in the class and our unstoppable mischief continues. I forgot about Ms. Ana Karenina (from Something Different ) for I was pre-occupied with the fun and adventures of this intermediate year I am experiencing. I felt quite invincible and I occasionally had a discreet war with the mean girls in class. I was in the verge of extroversion, of introducing myself to the world when one event happened to me and in one click, everything was succumbed by darkness.

I could have been the extrovert friendly person who trusts the world and every creature in the universe. I could have been the person I wanted to be. I could have been the confident gal walking down the street, carefree and full of life. I could have been loved myself better, given myself the self esteem it deserved. But I just went back to my own shell trying to go to the state of hibernation. Or maybe if it is possible, I could have had a selective amnesia to forget that ugly incident of my life.



***Next part to be continued...

Something Different

So I got used to wearing boy's clothes, used boy's stuffs as I mentioned in Me: Before it Happened. I even wanted to compete this time with my brother who always teases me, the way I look and so in revenge I am trying to get the things that he wanted especially on toys and clothes (I try to save my money to buy them and alas my brother who doesn't know how to save has nothing) so that my brother would stare with envy at me. The next thing I know is he already sneaked my stuffs and end up reporting to my mom what he did. The best part of the revenge is, my brother will surely have a whack from my mom who practices corporal punishment for disciplining us. (I know guys I am so bad...too passive but fruitful revenge I have...I am so sorry now with that I'm such a b*tch then). The funny thing about me and my brother is we share almost all of the stuffs except our underwear (of course he couldn't sneak it out LOL) but hey when I was in my highschool days I tried to buy brief style panties for myself. Maybe it just became a habit for me, or a form of amusement for me to see my older brother with envy. 

Grade 3
From Baguio City (where we are all born, and hey I have a baby brother now) we transferred to the province and stay there for good so we could minimize our cost of living. Everything in the city is so expensive and we are 3 siblings now in the family so my mother is trying to adjust for us to cope up with our expenses. So I began going to a public school. It was like a culture shock for me who was used to studying to an exclusive school in the city. It felt to me like they were not taking their studies seriously. The lessons were far too easy for me even I don't study I will have a 95-100% grade in the exams. (Believe it or not, you can too. LOL) And so being a transferee in the class brought much of the attention to me especially the boys in the room. They would label me as "Yung parang Amerikana" (The girl that looks like an American) because of my light complexion when I was new there. They nominated me as the muse of the class and so my femininity came back slowly. My interest to dolls and skirts and dresses has been restored and I forgot about my past self. I also learned about crushes here and I became conscious about my own hygiene and learned to take care of myself without my mom's help.I felt like an independent woman for my mom is so busy with the restaurant she is managing now which is our main source of living. My mom spent her 24 hours in the store so I sleep with my baby brother alone at night without my mom by my side like when we used to when we are in Baguio City. Sometimes how I wish we are still in the city together in our small rented apartment. Our 24-hour restaurant became the center of her universe.

Grade 4
The culture shock faded as I have learned to adapt with the people around me. I can say this grade was the worst for me because our teacher was the secretary of the principal and she is not in the classroom almost all of the time. She would just leave a book and let the class secretary write it on the board while she is away. So while the class secretary is writing, everyone else has their own business to tackle. I was near the group of girly girls playing paper dolls and I became the dress designer for their dolls. (Because I am good with drawing and designing and I have great ideas and innovations introduced to their usual way of doing things) If only the paper money that they paid me were real money I would be rich. Boys play with their rubberbands and marbles, some goes for early recess, others would roam around until they reach the nearby rivers. And when it is exams time, I remember our teacher would let us copy the answers for the exams and let us memorize the correct letter of the answer because it was just a multiple choice questions. Damn it think cheating started in that class especially the hidden code in the palms or tables when it is exams time. Me, I took the longest way to pass an exam, and that was reading the question and the choices until the end. So what do you expect, everybody would pass. Of course I also passed but sometimes it wasn't 100% because I did not memorized the correct answers. I think in this grade I started to get tough again because I was pissed off with the girly girls who just order barbie clothes from me but they don't really include me in their play. I started little by little to go out with the boys, play text cards, tops and marbles. Running around the schoolgrounds. It felt so good to be me again. From then on, my jeans every Friday was back in style again and the skirts and dresses went to the bottom most layer of my clothes again. By the way, in this grade, I remember having a crush on a lovely lady named Anna Karenina. Such an odd but beautiful name for a beautiful face like her. I admire her long straight hair, smiling eyes and dimples too. In one instance I tried to stalk her in the fiesta where she was training a bunch of candidates for Ms. Santa Fe. Every practice I was there in the gymnasium watching her gracefully move in the crowd. I even followed her in a multitude of people in the fair and even rode a Ferris wheel the moment I saw her ride it. I forgot about my fears and it was too late for me to realize the freakish heights I am faced to. Still at the end of they day I would conclude to myself, oh she's so cute I admire her very much. That's it! Plain admiration. But still I felt something strange to myself. It's like something is not normal just like the girly girls would do. It's something different I can't explain or I am still in denial to.



***Next part to be continued...