Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 2)

As old as I am today I realized and accepted the fact that darkest moments do exist once in a while. It took me a long while to liberate my suppressed emotions towards this fact. I realized the more you suppress the bad feeling, the more it will make you feel miserable.

Note: If you haven't read the part 1 yet, please follow this link: Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 1)

Blogging this past could really mean that I have overcome it. I don't know if it is uncommon or just few people would dare to speak the truth. I didn't dare. Even my parents and my older brother didn't know about it. And when it happened, my younger brother was only 4 years old and only he knows about it. He's is the only witness that I have but I don't know if he could even remember it. I was almost close to be a victim of sexual abuse by my teenage cousin. And thank God for my younger brother whom I was taking care of at night who is sharing bed with me, I am saved from a lifetime of nightmare. That was the time I blame the restaurant being open 24 hours and our mother is not here by our side to protect us at night. To think that our house is open for public use (because the customers needs to pass through our house just to go to the comfort rooms), and our rooms doesn't have doors in it. Just curtains! My mom wouldn't even notice if someone goes inside our rooms because you wouldn't even hear a door open or close. So I am really thankful of my brother, he is my angel. The moment that my cousin was close to touching me, I discreetly woke up my brother by pinching him whom I was hugging that moment while I was pretending to be sleeping when in fact I am wide awake at that point in midnight when my cousin sneaked into our room. Half awake, my brother asked my cousin what is he doing in our room, and so my drunk cousin ran away. I am not sure, but I suspect he was on drugs.I could even hear my mom asked our helper if she saw someone running out of our house, who replied no. My mother even cracked a joke and told our helper "If that was a robber, he already said hold-up before you could even run and save yourself." And then I heard them laughed.




The whole midnight I was hugging my brother really tight. I never felt that much afraid in my entire life. I could even hear my heart pounding until my ears. I was crying hoping that our mom was there. I am so afraid of my cousin and I am so afraid of telling it to my mom and I am so afraid of the possible outcome, or a possible war between my mom and her sister. I am so afraid that the whole day in the school I was trembling, speechless and tearful. My energy went away. My laughter, my joy vanished. I became serious and timid. I refuse to talk for talking to someone else might cause danger to me. I hated all the boys in class for the fear of the same event might happen in any given place in time. I was too afraid to speak. I took a long bath hoping to wash away the memories of last night. It was a very big deal for me at that age. My thoughts made my head hurt so much, thinking of what is the right thing to do. Until i finally made a decision. I am gonna tell it to his mother (my aunt) so everything would go in a peaceful way. But the moment I told about it to her she laughed at me and told me, "Baka naman nananaginip ka lang?" ("Maybe you were just dreaming?") and then she looked at me with disbelief. I got more hurt because hey, I did a wrong move. It just worsened the feeling, it didn't gave it a closure. In the end she just said that she will talk to her son and that I must not tell it to my mother. Yeah right. I did not tell it to my mom. Because if I do so, a war will start. I just prayed for my retribution, for the Karma to take its course. But since then I hated guys. I tremble whenever a boy is going to come near me. I stutter and sweat, become cold and clammy. Sometimes I become flushed and have difficulty in breathing. I can't look to their eyes. If only I could hide and crawl to the ground and disguise. From that moment, I hated skirts, sexy and revealing stuffs. Body hugging jeans and blouse. V-necks. Low necklines. Barebacks. Sleeveless. Translucent shirts. Everything that I could think that could attract the opposite sex I always avoided. I resort to a straight cut jeans and free-sized shirt and rubbershoes. I learned to love gays so much. Only 1 guy could come close to me whom I am comfortable to, without the feeling of anxiousness, my seatmate-friend-in-crime. But the mischievousness lessened for I am drowned oftentimes with the preoccupation of what happened and what could have been the best way to do.

Yeah, I could have made my life easier if I learned to move on with my life. It made a big impact to me, that every guy out there is gonna do something bad to me. My trust to the world got broken. I can't help getting skeptical with everything that life brings to me. I found it very difficult to trust. I learned how to see the aura behind a person whether or not he is trustworthy. I started getting more time alone with my self. Trying to figure out things that I should not be worried of anymore. I became pessimistic when before I always see the good side of everything. I started to wake up that hey, is this the true world? Is this the reality? That maybe I was just in a fairy tale world before which I created?

Every beings has a capability of being a monster given the right circumstance. It is still your choice if you're going to unleash it or to tame it. 

**Next part to be continued...