Everyday was like a big question to me whether or not every little thing that I do is right or wrong. Good or bad. I became careful with what I have to say and most of the time I would just keep everything to myself. I tried to move on with my life even the post-traumatic stress is still there. I'm very thankful that my seatmate's cousin is trying to orient me with the guys again. She apparently made me confide to her how I feel when I am around the opposite sex. I think the strategy that she used was desensitization. She tried to initiate the stimuli little by little starting from one classmate we are with for the Provincial meet. (BTW, I tried to join sports, yet in a solitary activity named CHESS...LOL. I was selected in the whole district to compete for the Provincial meet since I've been the best in town..because nobody in our campus joined except me...hahaha win by default) They were both the Captain Ball of the volleyball team. So they are quite close to each other sharing thoughts and strategies about the game and of course training their team members to be just like them. I was with them on my free time joining the training they have even of I should be training for chess tactics. I started to enjoy one more time the feeling of having someone else and to belong in a group. Well at least I enjoyed being with a group. But when it is one on one coaching with my trainer who is a fine bachelor, I can't help to be trembling all the time. It even annoys me to hear myself stuttering everytime I answers his question.
The sports thing was a very timely event for healing myself, a positive diversion of my negative thoughts and feelings. Through it, I was able to escape from my past, gave me time to be alone with myself (yes, because we slept in the school the whole training month and we are excused of all the lessons and exams that time). I don't see my family which are my cousins, just a few blocks away from our house. But I really safeguarded myself from any harm that may come. I am even half asleep at night and always have a girl buddy at my side in anything that I do. I never let myself alone and be vulnerable to such thing again.
PROVINCIAL MEET
It was quite an new experience to me. From being a newbie in chess to compete in the whole province was such a big deal. In my first 3 games, I lost, and know because I am still a beginner. I played for board 2 and an older girl played for board 1. If you are a board 1 player, it means you are the cherry on top of the cream. And I was the cream at that moment... LOL. Our coach empathized with the hurt from the defeat that she saw from my eyes troubled her and caused her to make a move. She took us all out in a popular food chain house since our board 1 player won that day. She said that every win we earn means a treat so she asked us one by one what we like. I instantaneously answered "Icecream!!!" and yes, we had a deal.
The 4th game was the start of my victory because the thought of having an icecream inspired me so much I was so motivated to win the game. The succeeding games was all a victory for me! I did not know how I did it considering the level of my knowledge in chess was. I was a beginner who miraculously leveled-up without a clue how I did it. It made me so proud of myself. It made me so happy more than anyone else. My coach was also clueless how I did it. She ending up spending Php25 a day for the wins that I have earned. I admit I felt guilty that she was buying me such expensive treat. She is not rich but she just kept her word.
Last day, the result came out. We had a triple tie in the board 2. The ironic thing about it was the 2 girls who beat me the first round was the ones I had tie with in the end. It was like giving me a second chance to prove myself to them one more time now that I have this passion to win. But in the end it made me so sad again for they did not made a rematch. They just put me to third place since both beat me in the first round anyway. Such an unfair decision...yeah I learned that life is good but don't expect it to be fair. LOL. So I was in a bad mood and the boys team were teasing me and the other boy even kicked my foot so that I would stumble in front of lots of people out there. I really drove me so mad plus the hurt that I had again in my heart made me go after him, chase him and beat the hell out of him. I punched him so hard and even kicked him and he was already lying on the floor coz he slipped when I grabbed his jacket. I poured out all my resentment to him, from the unfair judges, to the humiliation I had when I slipped in front of the crowd because of what he did. I hated crying and eversince I was 5years old I promised to myself that I would not cry (especially when our mom beats us whenever me and my older brother did something really nasty). The pain and heaviness inside my chest needs to be channeled out so I thanked the circumstance, I was able to liberate the dull feeling through him. Such a relief. The saying was really true..."When it rains, it pours..." =)
Our coach called our attention especially me being caught in the act beating our teammate out. Our coach told me that I was behaving like a boy. I just said my reason and kept quiet afterwards because it was obvious, the sympathy wasn't mine this time. After the awarding, our principal took us to the same food chain where our coach took us for encouragement the very first day of the competition. It was so memorable that where everything has started was the very same place where it will end, and it ended well I can say. Our principal was very proud of us girls (Board 1 and 2 girl players which means me and the older girl) because she won the title for board 1 and will compete in the Regionals (which she eventually made it to the Nationals...yes, she is a grandmaster whom I idolize so much). Me? I got the 3rd place...and I told them if I got the rematch I could have been be the one for Regionals too. (Bragging my ass out to the principal when the very first day I was there in the restaurant I was so inferior to everyone.) And what happened to the volleyball team and other team? Nah...they did not make it. It was only the chess team managed to get an award somehow.
Behind the clouds, there is still the sun. You cannot see it but it is still there. Have faith and everything will start to brighten up again...have faith and you will start to feel the warmth of your passion again.
**Next part to be continued...
In case you haven't read it yet the story before this post is: Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 2)
The 4th game was the start of my victory because the thought of having an icecream inspired me so much I was so motivated to win the game. The succeeding games was all a victory for me! I did not know how I did it considering the level of my knowledge in chess was. I was a beginner who miraculously leveled-up without a clue how I did it. It made me so proud of myself. It made me so happy more than anyone else. My coach was also clueless how I did it. She ending up spending Php25 a day for the wins that I have earned. I admit I felt guilty that she was buying me such expensive treat. She is not rich but she just kept her word.
Last day, the result came out. We had a triple tie in the board 2. The ironic thing about it was the 2 girls who beat me the first round was the ones I had tie with in the end. It was like giving me a second chance to prove myself to them one more time now that I have this passion to win. But in the end it made me so sad again for they did not made a rematch. They just put me to third place since both beat me in the first round anyway. Such an unfair decision...yeah I learned that life is good but don't expect it to be fair. LOL. So I was in a bad mood and the boys team were teasing me and the other boy even kicked my foot so that I would stumble in front of lots of people out there. I really drove me so mad plus the hurt that I had again in my heart made me go after him, chase him and beat the hell out of him. I punched him so hard and even kicked him and he was already lying on the floor coz he slipped when I grabbed his jacket. I poured out all my resentment to him, from the unfair judges, to the humiliation I had when I slipped in front of the crowd because of what he did. I hated crying and eversince I was 5years old I promised to myself that I would not cry (especially when our mom beats us whenever me and my older brother did something really nasty). The pain and heaviness inside my chest needs to be channeled out so I thanked the circumstance, I was able to liberate the dull feeling through him. Such a relief. The saying was really true..."When it rains, it pours..." =)
Our coach called our attention especially me being caught in the act beating our teammate out. Our coach told me that I was behaving like a boy. I just said my reason and kept quiet afterwards because it was obvious, the sympathy wasn't mine this time. After the awarding, our principal took us to the same food chain where our coach took us for encouragement the very first day of the competition. It was so memorable that where everything has started was the very same place where it will end, and it ended well I can say. Our principal was very proud of us girls (Board 1 and 2 girl players which means me and the older girl) because she won the title for board 1 and will compete in the Regionals (which she eventually made it to the Nationals...yes, she is a grandmaster whom I idolize so much). Me? I got the 3rd place...and I told them if I got the rematch I could have been be the one for Regionals too. (Bragging my ass out to the principal when the very first day I was there in the restaurant I was so inferior to everyone.) And what happened to the volleyball team and other team? Nah...they did not make it. It was only the chess team managed to get an award somehow.
Behind the clouds, there is still the sun. You cannot see it but it is still there. Have faith and everything will start to brighten up again...have faith and you will start to feel the warmth of your passion again.
**Next part to be continued...
In case you haven't read it yet the story before this post is: Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 2)
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