Sunshine...After the Rain

The Provincial meet ended gloriously as I felt an spark of hope and passion back within me. (If you are feeling lost about the story please read Behind the Clouds). Not the same as before that I viewed everything in my life as positive, that everybody is good (except my evil older brother...LOL but yes I believe that he is good, that there is something good in him that's why when we were young I tried to cover and defend him when he was bullied by our neighbor pals). I became extra cautious and a little bit paranoid over what is happening around me. Well back to the feel-good moment, I was so elated that time, that I felt very good about myself. Feels like I'm floating in the air, so proud that a newbie like me would win a place in the Provincial meet. Feels like I know one more time what I wanted in life. The time being away with my family gave me a space to breath and begin rebuilding myself again. I started forgiving the offender and letting go of self-remorse that I felt, for not doing the right thing. Actually, I really did not know what the right thing is. It remained a mystery to me until now, if what will happen if I told my mom about it. Knowing my mom, she has the military attitude. Her way of disciplining is based on a mistake=punishment formula. I mean it. Corporal punishment to be exact. LOL. That moment, I learned that no matter how thick or thin you slice cheese, it will always come in two sides. In life there are always 2 choices, a "Yes or No", whether you choose to give in or to remain hard, to be or not to be, or sometimes the alibi behind the "there is no choice" tag line. The truth is there is a choice. Whether you chose to do the last choice you have, or not.

I came back to our school full of life. Fresh and vivid. So warm and vibrant just like the sunshine. I was welcomed by my seatmate and the adventure started again. The arrogance that we had which is limited only to each other because in real life, we are really down to earth individuals. My bestfriend "twin" was so proud of me and she never fails to send me a simple note for each event that we had. She's so thoughtful in her own little ways that it is so touching and heartwarming. I really appreciate her messages, and advise. She really comforted me through my dark times and she was the one whom I confide everything to. In short, she has the key. We may not be seatmates in the class (because the teachers would always keep us apart to each other as the top students in the class) but we are always together every breaktime, giving us each other a time to update what is the latest happening in our life. I missed her very much since I did not went to class for more than a month because of the training so we had a lot of catching up to do. It's really good to know that despite of all the odd things that I'm going through, I always have someone on my back, who is at the same time always by my side when needed the most. Everything felt so new even though there's nothing really new in our school. I am seeing life in a different perspective this time. And this time, boys are excluded to my foci.

**To be continued...

Out of the Topic...(This is NOT A PART OF THE STORY)

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Behind the Clouds

Everyday was like a big question to me whether or not every little thing that I do is right or wrong. Good or bad. I became careful with what I have to say and most of the time I would just keep everything to myself. I tried to move on with my life even the post-traumatic stress is still there. I'm very thankful that my seatmate's cousin is trying to orient me with the guys again. She apparently made me confide to her how I feel when I am around the opposite sex. I think the strategy that she used was desensitization. She tried to initiate the stimuli little by little starting from one classmate we are with for the Provincial meet. (BTW, I tried to join sports, yet in a solitary activity named CHESS...LOL. I was selected in the whole district to compete for the Provincial meet since I've been the best in town..because nobody in our campus joined except me...hahaha win by default) They were both the Captain Ball of the volleyball team. So they are quite close to each other sharing thoughts and strategies about the game and of course training their team members to be just like them. I was with them on my free time joining the training they have even of I should be training for chess tactics. I started to enjoy one more time the feeling of having someone else and to belong in a group. Well at least I enjoyed being with a group. But when it is one on one coaching with my trainer who is a fine bachelor, I can't help to be trembling all the time. It even annoys me to hear myself stuttering everytime I answers his question. 

The sports thing was a very timely event for healing myself, a positive diversion of my negative thoughts and feelings. Through it, I was able to escape from my past, gave me time to be alone with myself (yes, because we slept in the school the whole training month and we are excused of all the lessons and exams that time). I don't see my family which are my cousins, just a few blocks away from our house. But I really safeguarded myself from any harm that may come. I am even half asleep at night and always have a girl buddy at my side in anything that I do. I never let myself alone and be vulnerable to such thing again. 

PROVINCIAL MEET

It was quite an new experience to me. From being a newbie in chess to compete in the whole province was such a big deal. In my first 3 games, I lost, and know because I am still a beginner. I played for board 2 and an older girl played for board 1. If you are a board 1 player, it means you are the cherry on top of the cream. And I was the cream at that moment... LOL. Our coach empathized with the hurt from the defeat that she saw from my eyes troubled her and caused her to make a move. She took us all out in a popular food chain house since our board 1 player won that day. She said that every win we earn means a treat so she asked us one by one what we like. I instantaneously answered "Icecream!!!" and yes, we had a deal.


The 4th game was the start of my victory because the thought of having an icecream inspired me so much I was so motivated to win the game. The succeeding games was all a victory for me! I did not know how I did it considering the level of my knowledge in chess was. I was a beginner who miraculously leveled-up without a clue how I did it. It made me so proud of myself. It made me so happy more than anyone else. My coach was also clueless how I did it. She ending up spending Php25 a day for the wins that I have earned. I admit I felt guilty that she was buying me such expensive treat. She is not rich but she just kept her word.


Last day, the result came out. We had a triple tie in the board 2. The ironic thing about it was the 2 girls who beat me the first round was the ones I had tie with in the end. It was like giving me a second chance to prove myself to them one more time now that I have this passion to win. But in the end it made me so sad again for they did not made a rematch. They just put me to third place since both beat me in the first round anyway. Such an unfair decision...yeah I learned that life is good but don't expect it to be fair. LOL. So I was in a bad mood and the boys team were teasing me and the other boy even kicked my foot so that I would stumble in front of lots of people out there. I really drove me so mad plus the hurt that I had again in my heart made me go after him, chase him and beat the hell out of him. I punched him so hard and even kicked him and he was already lying on the floor coz he slipped when I grabbed his jacket. I poured out all my resentment to him, from the unfair judges, to the humiliation I had when I slipped in front of the crowd because of what he did. I hated crying and eversince I was 5years old I promised to myself that I would not cry (especially when our mom beats us whenever me and my older brother did something really nasty). The pain and heaviness inside my chest needs to be channeled out so I thanked the circumstance, I was able to liberate the dull feeling through him. Such a relief. The saying was really true..."When it rains, it pours..." =)


Our coach called our attention especially me being caught in the act beating our teammate out. Our coach told me that I was behaving like a boy. I just said my reason and kept quiet afterwards because it was obvious, the sympathy wasn't mine this time. After the awarding, our principal took us to the same food chain where our coach took us for encouragement the very first day of the competition. It was so memorable that where everything has started was the very same place where it will end, and it ended well I can say. Our principal was very proud of us girls (Board 1 and 2 girl players which means me and the older girl) because she won the title for board 1 and will compete in the Regionals (which she eventually made it to the Nationals...yes, she is a grandmaster whom I idolize so much). Me? I got the 3rd place...and I told them if I got the rematch I could have been be the one for Regionals too. (Bragging my ass out to the principal when the very first day I was there in the restaurant I was so inferior to everyone.) And what happened to the volleyball team and other team? Nah...they did not make it. It was only the chess team managed to get an award somehow.


Behind the clouds, there is still the sun. You cannot see it but it is still there. Have faith and everything will start to brighten up again...have faith and you will start to feel the warmth of your passion again.




**Next part to be continued...
In case you haven't read it yet the story before this post is: Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 2)

Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 2)

As old as I am today I realized and accepted the fact that darkest moments do exist once in a while. It took me a long while to liberate my suppressed emotions towards this fact. I realized the more you suppress the bad feeling, the more it will make you feel miserable.

Note: If you haven't read the part 1 yet, please follow this link: Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 1)

Blogging this past could really mean that I have overcome it. I don't know if it is uncommon or just few people would dare to speak the truth. I didn't dare. Even my parents and my older brother didn't know about it. And when it happened, my younger brother was only 4 years old and only he knows about it. He's is the only witness that I have but I don't know if he could even remember it. I was almost close to be a victim of sexual abuse by my teenage cousin. And thank God for my younger brother whom I was taking care of at night who is sharing bed with me, I am saved from a lifetime of nightmare. That was the time I blame the restaurant being open 24 hours and our mother is not here by our side to protect us at night. To think that our house is open for public use (because the customers needs to pass through our house just to go to the comfort rooms), and our rooms doesn't have doors in it. Just curtains! My mom wouldn't even notice if someone goes inside our rooms because you wouldn't even hear a door open or close. So I am really thankful of my brother, he is my angel. The moment that my cousin was close to touching me, I discreetly woke up my brother by pinching him whom I was hugging that moment while I was pretending to be sleeping when in fact I am wide awake at that point in midnight when my cousin sneaked into our room. Half awake, my brother asked my cousin what is he doing in our room, and so my drunk cousin ran away. I am not sure, but I suspect he was on drugs.I could even hear my mom asked our helper if she saw someone running out of our house, who replied no. My mother even cracked a joke and told our helper "If that was a robber, he already said hold-up before you could even run and save yourself." And then I heard them laughed.




The whole midnight I was hugging my brother really tight. I never felt that much afraid in my entire life. I could even hear my heart pounding until my ears. I was crying hoping that our mom was there. I am so afraid of my cousin and I am so afraid of telling it to my mom and I am so afraid of the possible outcome, or a possible war between my mom and her sister. I am so afraid that the whole day in the school I was trembling, speechless and tearful. My energy went away. My laughter, my joy vanished. I became serious and timid. I refuse to talk for talking to someone else might cause danger to me. I hated all the boys in class for the fear of the same event might happen in any given place in time. I was too afraid to speak. I took a long bath hoping to wash away the memories of last night. It was a very big deal for me at that age. My thoughts made my head hurt so much, thinking of what is the right thing to do. Until i finally made a decision. I am gonna tell it to his mother (my aunt) so everything would go in a peaceful way. But the moment I told about it to her she laughed at me and told me, "Baka naman nananaginip ka lang?" ("Maybe you were just dreaming?") and then she looked at me with disbelief. I got more hurt because hey, I did a wrong move. It just worsened the feeling, it didn't gave it a closure. In the end she just said that she will talk to her son and that I must not tell it to my mother. Yeah right. I did not tell it to my mom. Because if I do so, a war will start. I just prayed for my retribution, for the Karma to take its course. But since then I hated guys. I tremble whenever a boy is going to come near me. I stutter and sweat, become cold and clammy. Sometimes I become flushed and have difficulty in breathing. I can't look to their eyes. If only I could hide and crawl to the ground and disguise. From that moment, I hated skirts, sexy and revealing stuffs. Body hugging jeans and blouse. V-necks. Low necklines. Barebacks. Sleeveless. Translucent shirts. Everything that I could think that could attract the opposite sex I always avoided. I resort to a straight cut jeans and free-sized shirt and rubbershoes. I learned to love gays so much. Only 1 guy could come close to me whom I am comfortable to, without the feeling of anxiousness, my seatmate-friend-in-crime. But the mischievousness lessened for I am drowned oftentimes with the preoccupation of what happened and what could have been the best way to do.

Yeah, I could have made my life easier if I learned to move on with my life. It made a big impact to me, that every guy out there is gonna do something bad to me. My trust to the world got broken. I can't help getting skeptical with everything that life brings to me. I found it very difficult to trust. I learned how to see the aura behind a person whether or not he is trustworthy. I started getting more time alone with my self. Trying to figure out things that I should not be worried of anymore. I became pessimistic when before I always see the good side of everything. I started to wake up that hey, is this the true world? Is this the reality? That maybe I was just in a fairy tale world before which I created?

Every beings has a capability of being a monster given the right circumstance. It is still your choice if you're going to unleash it or to tame it. 

**Next part to be continued...

Collide by Howie Day (Lyrics and Guitar Chords)

Introversion vs. Extroversion (Part 1)

At this point in time I was trying to earn friends. The bestfriend years has started, puberty is at its onset and so many things are bothering my thoughts and feelings which I blame to the changes of hormones I have in my body.

Grade 5
I was starting to go out and face the world. The culture shock I had from being a city girl to a rural girl is gone. I am mingling quite well with my classmates. I've got a new bestfriend which is a transferee too (the new apple of the eye in the class) which my classmates says that we are like twins together. I experienced in this stage to cling too much on my newfound instant bestfriend and get jealous when someone else is trying to "steal her" from me at recess time. I also learned of letting go of her because I learned that I don't own her and that the right thing to do is just to express to her even non-verbally that I am always here for her. (I really don't say how I feel verbally, I show it through my actions or send a note/letter).

I also had this boy seatmate whom I've learned most of the funny and wacky stuffs I could possibly imagine. We teased each other to the extreme until our teacher would call our attention and let us stand for the remaining period of the lecture as a punishment. There also came a point that one subject teacher put him in front seat while I was left at the hindmost of the seating arrangement in class for an attempt to separate us. But we still ended up sitting together in the class and our unstoppable mischief continues. I forgot about Ms. Ana Karenina (from Something Different ) for I was pre-occupied with the fun and adventures of this intermediate year I am experiencing. I felt quite invincible and I occasionally had a discreet war with the mean girls in class. I was in the verge of extroversion, of introducing myself to the world when one event happened to me and in one click, everything was succumbed by darkness.

I could have been the extrovert friendly person who trusts the world and every creature in the universe. I could have been the person I wanted to be. I could have been the confident gal walking down the street, carefree and full of life. I could have been loved myself better, given myself the self esteem it deserved. But I just went back to my own shell trying to go to the state of hibernation. Or maybe if it is possible, I could have had a selective amnesia to forget that ugly incident of my life.



***Next part to be continued...

Something Different

So I got used to wearing boy's clothes, used boy's stuffs as I mentioned in Me: Before it Happened. I even wanted to compete this time with my brother who always teases me, the way I look and so in revenge I am trying to get the things that he wanted especially on toys and clothes (I try to save my money to buy them and alas my brother who doesn't know how to save has nothing) so that my brother would stare with envy at me. The next thing I know is he already sneaked my stuffs and end up reporting to my mom what he did. The best part of the revenge is, my brother will surely have a whack from my mom who practices corporal punishment for disciplining us. (I know guys I am so bad...too passive but fruitful revenge I have...I am so sorry now with that I'm such a b*tch then). The funny thing about me and my brother is we share almost all of the stuffs except our underwear (of course he couldn't sneak it out LOL) but hey when I was in my highschool days I tried to buy brief style panties for myself. Maybe it just became a habit for me, or a form of amusement for me to see my older brother with envy. 

Grade 3
From Baguio City (where we are all born, and hey I have a baby brother now) we transferred to the province and stay there for good so we could minimize our cost of living. Everything in the city is so expensive and we are 3 siblings now in the family so my mother is trying to adjust for us to cope up with our expenses. So I began going to a public school. It was like a culture shock for me who was used to studying to an exclusive school in the city. It felt to me like they were not taking their studies seriously. The lessons were far too easy for me even I don't study I will have a 95-100% grade in the exams. (Believe it or not, you can too. LOL) And so being a transferee in the class brought much of the attention to me especially the boys in the room. They would label me as "Yung parang Amerikana" (The girl that looks like an American) because of my light complexion when I was new there. They nominated me as the muse of the class and so my femininity came back slowly. My interest to dolls and skirts and dresses has been restored and I forgot about my past self. I also learned about crushes here and I became conscious about my own hygiene and learned to take care of myself without my mom's help.I felt like an independent woman for my mom is so busy with the restaurant she is managing now which is our main source of living. My mom spent her 24 hours in the store so I sleep with my baby brother alone at night without my mom by my side like when we used to when we are in Baguio City. Sometimes how I wish we are still in the city together in our small rented apartment. Our 24-hour restaurant became the center of her universe.

Grade 4
The culture shock faded as I have learned to adapt with the people around me. I can say this grade was the worst for me because our teacher was the secretary of the principal and she is not in the classroom almost all of the time. She would just leave a book and let the class secretary write it on the board while she is away. So while the class secretary is writing, everyone else has their own business to tackle. I was near the group of girly girls playing paper dolls and I became the dress designer for their dolls. (Because I am good with drawing and designing and I have great ideas and innovations introduced to their usual way of doing things) If only the paper money that they paid me were real money I would be rich. Boys play with their rubberbands and marbles, some goes for early recess, others would roam around until they reach the nearby rivers. And when it is exams time, I remember our teacher would let us copy the answers for the exams and let us memorize the correct letter of the answer because it was just a multiple choice questions. Damn it think cheating started in that class especially the hidden code in the palms or tables when it is exams time. Me, I took the longest way to pass an exam, and that was reading the question and the choices until the end. So what do you expect, everybody would pass. Of course I also passed but sometimes it wasn't 100% because I did not memorized the correct answers. I think in this grade I started to get tough again because I was pissed off with the girly girls who just order barbie clothes from me but they don't really include me in their play. I started little by little to go out with the boys, play text cards, tops and marbles. Running around the schoolgrounds. It felt so good to be me again. From then on, my jeans every Friday was back in style again and the skirts and dresses went to the bottom most layer of my clothes again. By the way, in this grade, I remember having a crush on a lovely lady named Anna Karenina. Such an odd but beautiful name for a beautiful face like her. I admire her long straight hair, smiling eyes and dimples too. In one instance I tried to stalk her in the fiesta where she was training a bunch of candidates for Ms. Santa Fe. Every practice I was there in the gymnasium watching her gracefully move in the crowd. I even followed her in a multitude of people in the fair and even rode a Ferris wheel the moment I saw her ride it. I forgot about my fears and it was too late for me to realize the freakish heights I am faced to. Still at the end of they day I would conclude to myself, oh she's so cute I admire her very much. That's it! Plain admiration. But still I felt something strange to myself. It's like something is not normal just like the girly girls would do. It's something different I can't explain or I am still in denial to.



***Next part to be continued...

Me: Before It Happened

I am born female. Yes. Grew up surrounded with lovely dresses, ribbons and beads, laces and silks, fancying gowns and makeups, dreaming to own lots of barbies and stuffs for little girls. I love to style my long straight hair with different colors of bands and clips imitating a movie star who loves fashion and style. But above all that I feel somehow that there is something inside me that is kinda different than the other girls I know.

Kindergarten
I was playing with my neighbor one afternoon-- hairdressing and haircutting. We were pretending that she is the hairdresser and I am the customer. I was watching Dragon Balls -Z before and enjoying the feeling of my hair being tossed and turned that I did not noticed my friend is really cutting my hair until my scalp! My mom came and saw what happened to my hair and she was freaking out. She brought me to our lesbian neighbor and had her do a solution for my uneven hairstyle-- to cut all my hair until it looks like a boy's cut. I had no idea what was going on everything was too fast for me to digest everything. Until my brother and his pal went to see my new haircut and told me "Ah, kalbo! Kalbo!" (Bald! Bald!) That was the time that I realized, there's something wrong with my looks now, and it's not for a girl like me.

So I had no choice but to turn my back to my lovely dresses and skirts and sandals because I looked ridiculous on it with my hair. My mom started to dress me with my brother's old clothes. I remember my mom let me wore a t-shirt and a jeans and dragged me out of the house while I was crying out loud because I did not want anybody to see me in that appearance and yet I need to go to school. I can't accept the fact that I looked like a boy and all the whole neighborhood was calling me "Pogi" (Handsome).
I also remember my Godfather gave me a toy car for Christmas because he thought that I was a boy. And everytime my mom's acquaintances see us walking by the Session Road they would always say "Ang popogi naman ng mga anak mo." (How handsome your sons are) or "Ay dalawang lalaki pala ang anak mo ano? Wala kang dalaga?" (Oh, you have two sons? You don't have a lady?) and my eyes would always roll and just turn my back because I don't want to hear what are they gonna tell next. And then my brother would smile and say "Babae po siya!!!" (She's a girl!) so the story of my haircut repeats again and again.

So as time goes by, I played with toy cars and robots and pellet guns. I also learned to accept the jeans as my new best friend. As my hair grows longer, the deeper my connection with the guy's stuffs are. But still I envied the little girls with their fancy dresses, how pretty they look and wished I was like them. I started to admire more of the girls and the boys don't appeal anything to me. I just wanted their toys and the jeans and the rubber shoes, and how cool they are when you are active and sporty. They are so comfortable that you can do anything, run as fast as you can, roll on the grasses, climb up a tree. It's like a costume for freedom.



***Next part to be continued...